


if we were made of water

by intoxicatelou



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Everything Hurts, Infidelity, Internal Monologue, Jealous! Peter, M/M, Memories, Minor Character Death, Morgan and Peter are best friends because I don't make the rules, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), References to Underage, Starker Bingo 2019, Tony Stark has a heart but its broken and he's breaking Peter too, Tony survives endgame, no happy ending, slight D/s undertones
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2020-08-23 05:24:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20237449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intoxicatelou/pseuds/intoxicatelou
Summary: It never crosses Peter’s mind that even after everything, Pepper doesn’t know.or the one in which Peter ruins a marriage and breaks his own heart.Starker Bingo Fill:  Jealous! Peter





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

  * For [feyrelay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/feyrelay/gifts), [nausicaa_lives](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nausicaa_lives/gifts).

> just popping by to say didn't expect for this to be so long so I'm splitting it into two parts. also this is for dina, like everything else in my heart. i love you! i love you !!! [ the title is a song from BANKS. ](https://open.spotify.com/track/2jWiqKyZKkcChQpwwmQH8k?si=csHIwj2qQmKbrPUkkBWDQA)
> 
> and also for feyrelay and[ her cheating fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19412932) (specifically when Tony says "I remade the world for you") because it completely inspired this downward angst spiral inside of me. <3

_ _

_ And I'm hurting from the way that this worked out _

_ If you could rearrange your words you could've saved it _

_ If we were made of water, we could swim around it _

_ Can't no more _

\- If We Were Made of Water, BANKS

It never crosses Peter’s mind that even after everything, Pepper doesn’t know. 

After the Space donut. After Dr. Strange had cornered them both,  _ what exactly is the relationship here?  _ After Titan. After years of dust, and only dust. After Peter had come back, only to find Tony barely breathing at the end of it. After Morgan.

Too much had happened for her to not have some semblance of the bigger picture, but like Peter, she loved Tony too much to do anything about it. It makes sense. They have more in common than Tony could’ve have planned for. 

Pepper must have made her peace with whatever Tony and Peter have become, just like how Peter has gotten better at not obsessively staring at her wedding ring. 

Because if she hadn’t, Peter wouldn’t be here, playing Spider-man for Morgan’s eighth birthday party. Like he did last year. And the year before that. Wouldn’t be invited to “family-only” dinners. Wouldn’t have Tony Stark as his emergency contact, since the accident that took May. 

In the very beginning, Pepper had always been tight-lipped around him. She never understood why Tony cared so much about an intern that he would miss dinner, an anniversary even. She occasionally questioned the way Tony’s calendar of events all somehow involved Peter—the conferences in Paris, Montreal, India—only to have Tony to remind her,  _ It’s not your job anymore to think about it, Pep, I promise. He’s a genius. It’s all very above board.  _ Peter had overheard their conversation one night, thanks to his super-hearing.  _ Above board. _ What a funny way to describe the way Tony had taken him apart with his mouth in the private jet on their flight to Thailand, rimming him to hell and back. Peter had come three times before Tony had decided to fuck him. He had still felt Tony’s come inside him as they walked into another lavish hotel. 

Peter liked to pretend that that summer of “science conferences” was their honeymoon, before the war, before Thanos, before it all got too real too fast. He’d rejected the suit, but hadn’t rejected the way Tony had showed up in his bedroom later that week, showing Peter a video of himself getting off in his spider-suit, chanting _ Mr. Stark, Mr. Stark, please _ . It was unmistakable, but Tony still asked, “Is this you?”, as if it was the first time Tony had swept into Peter’s bedroom, looking at him with those eyes. Peter had said nothing, just fallen to his knees right then and there. 

They didn’t talk about Pepper and it hadn’t mattered in the beginning, because Peter was discovering everything new. Tony dazzled him in the workshop, the Audi, the goddamn bathroom of an Italian restaurant Peter couldn’t even pronounce the name of. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other and Peter loved,  _ loved,  _ every trace of Tony’s attention. Pepper felt a universe away. She worked out of the Malibu office and Tony took her calls when Peter wasn’t around. He knows because he’d secretly hacked KAREN to record the calls whenever the guilt started creeping in. If anything, she thought Tony was making up excuses about his intern because he was getting cold feet about their relationship. If anything, she felt sorry Peter,  _ a child,  _ had to be involved in Tony’s self-destructive behavior. She didn’t like him, exactly, but she had no reason to hate him; or, at least, that’s what the phone calls told him. 

Peter could breathe easy. It’s not like anyone knew about him and Tony, other than Ned. It wouldn’t get out, she wouldn’t know. She wouldn’t. Peter hated himself for it, but in the beginning it mattered to him that she didn’t know. For some reason, Peter thought if she found out it would ruin it for them, Tony wouldn’t be as good to him anymore. 

Back then, Peter wasn’t jealous of Pepper. She didn’t have anything Peter would be jealous of, because Peter didn’t give a fuck about labels. So what she was the  _ girlfriend,  _ so what Vanity Fair was  _ obsessed  _ with their relationship? Peter was the one Tony called, begging  _ come over _ when the dreams were too much. Peter was the one counting Tony’s eyelashes, taking him up to bed when he’d fallen asleep in the workshop after a late night. Peter was the one _ falling in love _ , up close and personal.

Peter didn’t even have to ask, blustering, if Tony felt the same way. Tony had told him their fifth week together, Peter was riding him in the media room, their Star Wars marathon forgotten completely. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” Tony had pressed the words hard into Peter’s mouth. “Can’t believe it’s your first time doing this. Saving yourself for me. Fuck, baby.” Peter had come harder than ever that night, moaning the words right back at Tony, who had held him after, whispering, “I meant it, kid.  _ I fucking love you _ .” If Peter had had any regrets about losing his virginity to Tony Stark, those words would’ve killed them completely. 

It wasn’t perfect, of course. They never spent the holidays together, Tony required to make time for Pepper and his possible future in-laws. They could never hold hands in public. No social media posts, no photographs, except the ones kept on Tony’s private servers. Small stuff like that. But it didn’t matter to Peter, because back then it was easier to not sweat the small stuff. 

They were nearing a year together when Peter decided it would be a good idea to follow Tony into space. Tony had told him, before they tried their plan with the gauntlet, that, when they made it back, he was going to leave her. He was tired of pretending, he wanted to choose Peter.  _ You’re the only one,  _ Tony had said, kissing him in the corners of that ridiculous spaceship. Peter felt like he’d walked into a badly written rom-com, Tony Stark confessing his love to him on a dead moon in the shadow of an impending alien attack. But he’d been happy. Really happy. It was still better than Peter could’ve imagined it.

Of course, they never made it back. Thanos won. If Peter got the space-time math right, he’d vanished a day before their anniversary. Tragic didn’t even begin to cover it. 

And then five years. Peter was a ghost, an empty voice Tony carried with him, and Pepper wasn’t. She was flesh, blood, bone. She was there. She didn’t turn into dust and abandon Tony in the middle of a war. 

Besides, after five years, there’s Morgan to think about. 

Today she’s turning eight and Peter’s smiling, despite the way Tony’s across the room, his arms around Pepper as they talk to the other adults. Peter’s doing backflips on Morgan’s command in the spider-suit while her eight year old friends take snapchat videos of the whole thing. He’s pretty sure he’ll be trending on twitter by the end of it. He can already imagine the Daily Bugle’s headline.  _ Spider-man: Just a Party Trick?  _

Pepper insisted that he didn’t have to dress up as Spider-man this year, that he’s 21 and could mingle with the adults instead. But Morgan had given him those puppy-dog eyes and he couldn’t say no, not when she had apparently  _ promised  _ her friends that Spider-man would be there since they were  _ best friends.  _

So here he was, Morgan Stark’s best friend, Spider-Man. 

“Spidey, I think it’s time we swing,” Morgan declares, the other kids squealing in response. 

“Alright, alright,” Peter grumbles, “two at a time, here we go.” Morgan jumps on his back while Peter holds up the quiet kid named Tim in his left arm. He’s grateful for Stark Tower’s high penthouse ceilings, as he shoots out a strong web, testing it before taking off with the kids. Morgan’s high pitched giggles shriek in his ear as Peter fakes losing his grip. He does a quick lap, dangling high before gracefully dropping the kids back down. Morgan jumps off Peter’s back as if she’s done this a million times (which, in truth, she has, ever since Pepper gave her the okay to use Peter as her personal swing.) but after Peter puts Tim down, he stands there for a minute, gawking at Peter. 

“You okay, kid?” Tim shuffles his large glasses further up his nose, blushing slightly. “You’re really cool, Spider-Man.” 

“You’re right, kids, Spider-man is really cool,” Tony’s voice comes from behind Peter, and Peter jumps a little, his spider-sense going off a second too late. He turns to watch the older man’s eyes burn into his own. “But you know what’s cooler? Magic! There’s a _ very special  _ magician waiting for Morgan and all her friends in the media room.” 

Morgan grabs Tim’s hand and runs towards the media room, the rest of the kids following her. “Bye Spider-man!” Peter gives fist bumps and highfives as the kids filter out. Pepper ushers the parents to the media room as well, and suddenly it’s just them. Peter pulls off his mask, raising an eyebrow. 

“Mr. Stark, you know magic isn’t real right?” 

“Then what do you call what Dr. Strange does everyday?” Tony smirks as Peter’s jaw drops open. “What can I say, stopping Thanos has its perks.” 

“Yeah,” Peter responds lamely, his lungs suddenly finding it hard to breathe. He remembers Tony lying there, his heartbeat lurching so slowly that Peter refused to let anyone else hold him. Even when Dr. Strange told him he’d be careful, it didn’t matter. It was his fault.  _ It was his fault.  _

“Peter?” Tony asks, voice gentle. Peter doesn’t protest when the older man pulls him into a hug. “I’m here. You’re here. We’re okay.” 

Peter just sniffs, not trusting his voice to respond.  _ Are we?  _ But then Tony kisses him, slow and long, hands carding into Peter’s hair, like before, like the dust never happened. Fooling Peter into thinking that despite everything, Tony is the one thing he could keep. The Tower fades away as Tony’s other hand settles heavy on his hip, rubbing circles through the suit. They could be anywhere, but as long as Peter has this, he knows he’d be okay. He’d be safe. He feels so safe. 

His spider-sense tingles, but Peter’s too lost in the kiss to care. They rarely have time to slow down and just feel. He doesn’t hear the tell-tale sound of heels abruptly stopping until it’s too late. 

_ “Tony?” _

Every cell in Peter’s body panics as Tony freezes. Peter opens his eyes, still dazed, only to see Pepper standing there, staring at where Tony’s hand still curves possessive over his hip. She’s crying, tears falling splotchy and fast, her whole body shaking. Peter knows shock when he sees it, and seeing Pepper like this stings surprisingly hard.

“Fuck,” Tony curses, pulling away from Peter and walking towards Pepper, eyes tired. “Pepper - Pep, I love you. Please.” 

“I was hoping you knew,” Peter says dumbly, stupidly, the words spilling out before he can pull them back inside. “After all these years, I just thought. Especially after Aunt May and France and I—” 

“Peter. You’re really not helping.” Tony snaps, his voice hard, and it shuts Peter up immediately. Pepper’s sobs increase in their volume, as Tony tries to hold her. 

“Years?” Pepper asks, sounding like she’s a million miles away, backing away from Tony. “Years, Tony? You told me  _ she  _ was a model. That  _ she  _ was a mistake. From before. A selfish whim. I can’t believe you. At Morgan’s birthday party. Fuck you.  _ Fuck you _ .” 

“Peter, I think you should go.” 

Peter blinks away the tears, does his best to tune out the way Tony keeps mumbling,  _ I love you Pep, I love you,  _ as he jumps out the nearest window, swinging away as fast as he can. 

__  
  
  



	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter tries to think about how he could have fucked up so bad as he swings onto the tallest roof he can find. Tries to think about what led him to losing so much, so fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is really getting away from me, so now we're going for three chapters. also, amidst all the Sony/Marvel Spiderman drama, please enjoy this spoonful of cheating angst. so much love to feyrelay for making a beautiful moodboard for this fic, which I've put at the very beginning. <3 as always, all your comments and kudos are very appreciated xx
> 
> this is unbeta'd bc my lovely beta is on vacation currently, and doesn't have wifi access! so all mistakes are mine.

_ _

_ Do you see me? Do you want me? _

_ Do you need me to be near you? _

_ So you got somebody next to your body _

_ Somebody next to your body _

— hard rain, Lykke Li 

_ A daughter. If not for me, think about Morgan. Tony, isn’t that enough?  _

Peter tries to think about how he could have fucked up so bad as he swings onto the tallest roof he can find. Tries to think about what led him to losing so much, so fast.

It all went back to Thanos. Peter had a lot of time to think after the final battle, after Tony had almost died in front of him. The coma lasted just over a year, but it was a year Peter spent alone. Aunt May had started seeing Happy, and the apartment suddenly felt stifling. Tony had set him up with a debit card linked to his bank account, just in case he wasn’t around when he brought Peter back, and it had been waiting for him via drone when he finally crawled into his twin bed later that night, knowing Tony had been safely transported to Wakanda for emergency surgery. He was shocked, wondered if Pepper knew, since they were married now. He tested the card out with smaller purchases, things like books for school and a new pair of shoes. Harmless stuff. Stuff he needed. Then one day, two months after Tony lapsed into a coma, Peter bought a Rolex. 

He didn’t even know why he did it, but he was walking past the store near the Tower and saw that they’d used Tony in one of their ads. It felt like fate. Peter had walked in, all scuffed jeans and ratty t-shirt, fully expecting to be thrown out. Except then he’d shown the manager his debit card, and he had all but shit his pants.  _ Mr. P-Parker. We’ve been expecting you. Right this way.  _ Turns out, Tony had selected a watch for him, but never picked it up. Apparently, Rolex really valued his customership, and had held onto it just in case he ever woke up.  _ Our thoughts and prayers are with him, Mr. Parker.  _ They’d charged his debit card, because Tony hadn’t paid for it in advance, which was weird. Didn’t feel like Tony. But, then again, the watch’s design was one of a kind. It wasn’t even something that was on the market, or going to be on the market anytime soon. Peter had no idea why Tony was planning on giving him a custom Rolex because the card inside was blank. The watch itself was beautiful, but impersonal. There was no memory attached. Nothing Peter could really hold onto. 

He kept the watch, anyway. Thinking if— _ when _ —Tony woke up, he’d ask him about it. If that’s still something they could talk about. Peter waited for Pepper to call, because an unknown multi-million dollar transaction would set off anybody’s bank account. But she never did. Aunt May and Happy got more and more serious, and Peter grew tired of hearing bed springs. Tired of seeing Happy  _ happy  _ in the early hours of the morning. 

He didn’t tell May he was moving out until he’d already paid the deposit for the studio close to the Tower. It wasn’t the nicest apartment, but it wasn’t bad either. But at least it was his, and close to the places that had felt like theirs. The Chinese place Tony would always order take-out from and the diner Tony would take him to occasionally, if Peter was up to it after a night of agressive sex. It was usually so late nobody questioned Peter curling into Tony’s side of the booth as he ate his chocolate chip pancakes. 

He told May it was for the best—more crime happened in that part of the city, and he would miss Queens, but it was time he expanded his neighborhood. Besides, the whole thing would be great practice for college.  _ College,  _ May had sighed, tears in her eyes,  _ you’re growing up so fast. I feel like I just got you back.  _

Peter didn’t know what to say to that because he didn’t really feel like he ever came back. Nothing was the same after the Blip, and Peter was no exception. He rarely recognized his own eyes anymore. But he swallowed the thought, just smiled and told May he’d visit. He shook Happy’s hand before lugging his suitcase out the door. 

The debit card paid for everything. His bed, groceries, rent. Senior year at Midtown High was a joke, aside from the college apps. The debit card paid for those too. He spent too much time harassing Ned at his new job at Best Buy and hounding MJ for weed and the occasional fuck. He took her virginity, right there on his Ikea sofa that she’d picked out anyway. It was good. Peter had forgotten how much he needed to be touched, to be held, to be seen like that. 

He never told her about Tony specifically, but she always knew there was someone else. 

_ Sometimes you get this far-away look in your eye, after we—you know. It’s weird. But I get it _ . She rolled really good joints and never asked him out, even though sometimes Peter felt like she wanted to. 

_ I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’d do without you.  _ And that was the truth. Peter was grateful for whatever they had. 

  
  


+

  
  


They brought Tony—still comatose—back from Wakanda, around month 7. Peter was sure they’d take him to the compound, but instead Pepper thought it best to keep him in the city, the place he loved most.

Peter didn’t know until Pepper finally called, informing him in her quiet voice that they were now neighbors.  _ He’s here now, if you’d like to visit.  _ Peter let out a breath he had no idea he was holding.  _ Also, if you ever want to talk. Or stop by for dinner. We’d love to have you. Especially now that we’re living down the street from each other. Morgan—she—I think it would help.  _ She paused, her voice cracking over Peter’s shitty service.  _ I’m not like him, you know. And she’s practically a carbon copy.  _

Peter surprised himself with how he didn’t hesitate to make dinner plans for the upcoming weekend. Pepper sounded relieved, and Peter couldn’t blame her. Despite how close his relationship withTony had been, he was pretty much a stranger to Pepper. She hadn’t even known that he was Spider-Man because he’d been wearing the mask by the time she got there to pull Peter away and SHIELD hadn’t told her any of the details. 

Peter doesn’t mind kids. He used to volunteer at the local elementary before the spider-bite, teaching robotics with Ned, and had enjoyed it. But it was still something else meeting Morgan, because, well. She was Tony’s daughter and there was no denying it. Her eyes, her nose, the way she crossed her arms and asked Peter if he was a babysitter, because no thank you she didn’t need a babysitter. 

_ I bet you don’t.  _ Peter had laughed, a real laugh, the kind Tony used to bring out on the daily when he was around. Pepper appeared at the sound, since FRIDAY had just let him walk into the apartment because of his clearance level that was already in the system. She clasped hands clasped awkwardly.  _ Hi there Ms. Pott—I mean, Mrs. Stark.  _ Peter did his best to hide the way the last name burned his tongue.  _ Peter, please, call me Pepper.  _ Peter nodded, returning her small smile. 

Morgan looked between them, trying to understand the relationship as they walked to the dining table. Peter remembers it was sushi night because he fully choked on his tuna roll when Morgan had looked at him and asked point blank,  _ Are you my brother? _ He looked to Pepper, who seemed just as surprised as Peter did.  _ Daddy has a lot of pictures of you, FRIDAY showed me.  _ Peter blushed, his pulse hammering. He trusted Tony’s AI would be smart enough to not show a six-year old any of the… other pictures Tony had on his servers.  _ Plus you have your own room here, FRIDAY showed me that too.  _ That was true. Tony had thought it was unreasonable that Peter didn’t have a room to keep his things, considering the hours he spent at the Tower.  _ You don’t really look like Daddy, but that’s okay.  _ She paused, chewing on the ends of her chopsticks.  _ I’ve always wanted an older brother. Do you like Legos? _

Peter didn’t know what to say. Luckily, Pepper broke the silence.  _ Peter’s not your brother, sweetie. He worked for your Dad, they were close friends.  _ Peter tried not to think about the way her voice strained on the word  _ friend.  _ Tried not to think about how Tony would always be old enough to be mistaken for his father. 

_ Oh.  _ Morgan didn’t say anything else, and for a minute Peter thought she might burst into tears. Dinner wrapped up pretty quickly after that, and he offered Pepper help with the dishes that she politely refused. Morgan made a bee-line to her room as soon as she could, and Peter, against his better judgement, followed. He knocked on her door, fidgeting with hands as she cracked open the door.  _ I’m not your brother, but um. I do like legos?  _ She paused, and Peter thought for a minute that she would slam the door on him. 

_ I’m trying to build Hogwarts. Do you know what Hogwarts is?  _ Peter’s eyes blinked, the memory of Tony and him working on the Death Star coming back to him way too fast. 

_ Y-Yeah _ . Peter managed to choke out,  _ I’m a Hufflepuff. What about you?  _

_ Daddy told me I’m a Ravenclaw because I’m so smart, but I want to be a Gryffindor just like Harry!  _ She responded, pulling Peter’s hand until they were sitting on her spider-man themed rug, assembling the pieces.  _ And Spider-man. I bet Spider-man is a Gryffindor. Did you know my dad knew him? _

_ Wow. I had no idea.  _ Peter lied, handing another piece to Morgan, ignoring the burn of tears threatening to spill when Morgan rambled,  _ Daddy loves Spider-man, that’s what FRIDAY told me when I asked her. Personally, don’t tell Daddy, but I love Spider-man too! He’s my favorite superhero. Who’s your favorite superhero? _

_ Iron-Man,  _ Peter had said, without blinking.  _ That’s Mommy’s favorite too.  _ Peter hated how much it stung to hear that, as innocuous as Morgan had meant it to sound. She’d gotten a bit quiet after that,  _ We both really miss him.  _

_ I know, kiddo. It must be really hard.  _ Peter didn’t know why, but when Morgan had started sniffling, he’d pulled her into a hug.  _ He’ll wake up soon.  _ He’d tried to sound optimistic, petting her hair. 

_ I just miss him so much. And Mommy never wants to talk about it.  _ Peter had felt his chest ache, thinking to the months after Uncle Ben had died, how May couldn’t even look him in the eye, much less talk about it. They were some of the worst months of his life, all the silence in their tiny apartment beyond suffocating. He couldn’t help but saying,  _ You can talk to me, if you want.  _

Morgan had wiped her eyes, looking at him with something that Peter could only describe as hope.  _ Really?  _

_ Yeah,  _ and if when Morgan had asked,  _ do you miss him too  _ a tear had slipped down his face, when he’d mumbled,  _ more than you could know,  _ it was just them. 

Pepper had found them, laying in the dark staring at Morgan’s glow in the dark constellations, while Peter told Morgan about the time Tony had re-outfitted DUM-E to look like WALL-E for halloween because Peter had asked. (He doesn’t tell her about how after, Tony had lasso’d Peter with christmas lights, like that one scene from the movie, pulling him close for a kiss.)

_ Daddy is so cool! When he wakes up, I’m going to ask him to make me a BB-8.  _ It had felt good to hear Morgan laugh, considering how their conversation had started out. Based on the way Pepper’s eyebrows had been raised when she walked in at the sound, Peter figured her daughter didn’t laugh very often, considering everything. 

_ Morgan, it’s bedtime.  _ Peter had left then, leaving them to it, walking aimlessly down the hallway. He didn’t even realize he’d stopped in front of Tony’s door until he heard the hum of machines, and the feeble, but steady beat of Tony’s heart. Peter pushed open the door before he could stop himself, lungs deflating as he stared at the man he loved for the first time in months. 

Peter could cry, staring at Tony’s closed eyes, hooked up to a million machines looking so delicate and weak, but he didn’t. Something inside him was screaming that Tony wouldn’t want that, so Peter pulled up a chair, swallowing back the tears. He held Tony’s cool hand, tracing his fingers over the lines of his wrist, before pressing a soft kiss to his palm.  _ Come back to me, please.  _

He didn’t see Pepper’s shadow in the doorway, but he heard her heels as she walked into the room. Peter had sprung up from where he’d laid his head on Tony’s thigh, still clutching the older man’s hand. She had looked at him for long minute, eyes flickering down to where Peter was still holding onto Tony, before giving Peter a small smile.  _ I love him. But you do too. Take all the time you need.  _

After she’d left, Peter had cried, not because he was grateful, but because he was sure now that she knew and still allowed him into her house, let him play with their daughter, and wanted Peter to take all the time he needs. He’d sobbed into Tony’s palm because Pepper was a better person than he was, because he was sure if he’d been in her position, he wouldn’t have let himself come anywhere near the Tower, much less Tony. Peter couldn’t imagine sharing the life Pepper had with Tony with someone else and he hated how much his heart hardened around Pepper, regardless of her kindness. It was a sickness, this jealous he carried with him. It always reminded him how no matter how much Tony gave him, unless he left her, it still wouldn’t be enough. 

Peter came over to dinner once or twice a week at the Tower after that, because Pepper insisted it was no trouble, but mostly because Peter had grown to love Morgan as if she was his own. They had a lot in common, despite the age difference, and it was nice to talk about Tony to someone who wanted to listen. Sometimes, Peter liked to pretend that Morgan’s ears looked like his own, that the color of her hair was more brown than red. He could imagine this life, being the patient father waiting for his husband to wake up. 

Tony and him had talked about kids, briefly, before Thanos and when he’d been serious about leaving Pepper. If they’d had a boy, they’d name him Benjamin, after Peter’s Uncle, and if it was a girl, they’d name her Maria, after Tony’s mom.  _ Ben and Maria Stark,  _ Tony had hummed, kissing Peter’s chest,  _ I like the sound of that, almost as much as I like the sound of calling you my husband.  _ It was the closest thing to a proposal Peter’d gotten, and he held onto the memory as such. 

Despite the frequent days Peter spent at the tower, and even though Pepper had told him he’s welcome to anytime, Peter didn’t visit Tony again. Sometimes though, when he could swallow the guilt, he’d walk down the hallway, until his super-hearing could pick up Tony’s heartbeat, and he’d stand there listening, comforted in its frail but steady pulse. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come cry with me in the comments because I don't know about y'all but today has been a *real* day with all the sony bullshit, and what better way than to distract with starker angst. 
> 
> as always, thank you for reading and if you would like to support what I do, feel free to [buy me a coffee on ko-fi](https://ko-fi.com/intoxicatelou) and find me on discord @ A(intoxicatelou) #7579 !!


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter avoided Tony for a full month before fate caught up to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really can't stop writing this cheating verse but I PROMISE the next chapter will be the last one!!
> 
> thank you again for your comments and kudos and support ~ I will do my best to update very soon!!
> 
> also quick handwavy AU note: pepper doesn't know Peter is Spider-man fyi

  
  


_ I could've spent forever with your hands in my pockets _

_ Picture of your face in an invisible locket _

_ You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it _

_ I had a bad feeling _

— Dancing With Our Hands Tied , Taylor Swift

  
  


It was December and Happy had bought May and him cruise tickets, which meant it was Peter’s first Christmas alone. She hadn’t wanted to go, but Peter had put up a fight, saying it was about time she did something for herself, besides it was only a couple of days. They’d still have New Years. 

He hadn’t expected to spend Christmas at the Tower, but Morgan had called him the day before using FRIDAY, demanding that he open her present in front of her because she’d worked really hard on finding something he would like. Peter had acquiesced, heading over early in the morning, to surprise Morgan before she woke up. She’d been delighted, leaping into his arms for a hug, and Peter had swung her around. He’d brought gifts as well, a bottle of perfume May had helped him buy for Pepper, and a proto-type of a Lightsaber that Tony and him had worked on from before. He’d even tweaked it so that it could change colors from red to blue, in true Spider-man fashion. Safe to say, Morgan was beyond thrilled. Pepper had thanked him gently, before apologizing for not getting him anything since Morgan hadn’t informed her that Peter would be coming over. He’d shaken it off, giving her a small smile, because Peter doubted he could even accept anything from her without drowning in the guilt. He’d done his best to school his expression when he unwrapped Morgan’s gift, which was a picture of Tony and him, working on the Death-Star in the lab, surrounded by a hand-made Lego frame.  _ FRIDAY helped me get the photo, but I made the frame. Do you like it?  _

_ I love it, thank you Morgan.  _ He’d hugged her hard, and she’d squealed that he was smushing her. It was almost the perfect Christmas, except Pepper had that far away look in her eye which Peter understood all too well. They were just missing one person. 

Peter didn’t plan on telling them that he was Spider-man, but Morgan had asked  _ is daddy ever going to wake up?  _ In the middle of dinner, voice too somber for a six-year old and Pepper had dropped her wine glass, right near Peter’s foot. A couple of shards had managed to hit Peter’s ankle, the blood dripping in rivulets. Pepper had frantically ran off to grab the first-aid kit, apologizing profusely, but by the time she’d come back, Peter had all but healed, his skin pink where the glass had cut. Pepper had looked at him with a bewildered look in her eye, and Peter’d thought it was about time that they knew, so he’d just jumped onto the ceiling, much to Pepper’s shock and Morgan’s amusement, before saying,  _ Merry Christmas, I’m Spider-man.  _

Morgan had hounded him with questions, only slightly upset that Peter had lied to her the first time they met.  _ Is that why you worked with my dad? Oh my god you’re an Avenger!  _ He’d signed all her posters she had in her room, and even initialed her rug because she’d asked. 

Pepper looked at him differently after that, as if she was grateful that Peter was around. It wasn’t like she didn’t like him before, but Peter sensed she could breathe easier around him now that she knew the truth. 

(Looking back at it, Peter thinks it’s probably because she thought Spiderman was the reason Tony spent so much time with Peter and was so secretive about it.)

+

Tony woke up a couple days before his 55th birthday. He’d been in Spanish when Pepper had called him, leaving him a voicemail that he’d snuck off to the bathroom to listen to.  _ Peter, he’s awake. Tony’s awake. I’m picking Morgan up from school, do you want me to stop at Midtown and get you? Text me. Please, we’d love for you to be there.  _ Pepper’s voice had sounded watery, and Peter had dug his nails into his palm with such force, he drew blood.  _ He’s awake, Tony’s awake _ , he’d thought, wishing for it to feel better than a gnawing ache of guilt. There was nothing more he wanted to do than swing over to the tower and hold the other man, tell him again,  _ I love you, I love you, I didn’t know if I’d ever get to say it again,  _ and Peter sobbed knowing it was probably exactly what Pepper did when she saw him wake-up, because she was there. She’d always been there. She hadn’t left him. She’d stuck by his side. Not like Peter, who had lost himself to dust, leaving Tony bleeding on a dead moon, only to almost fail to save him when it mattered most. 

Peter tried to forget the way his hands shook when he texted Pepper  _ Sorry can’t make it, have a calculus exam. I’ll try to swing by later. Tell him I say hi.  _

Peter doesn’t swing by later. In fact, he barely makes it home before he’s texting MJ to come over, and when she shows up, not ten minutes later, he presses her against his front door, not bothering to lock it before dropping to his knees. 

_ Not that I’m complaining because that was incredible, but Peter... are you okay?  _ MJ had asked him, after round four, splayed out on Peter’s sticky mattress, blowing smoke rings into his ceiling. Peter hadn’t planned on saying anything, but she ran a hand through his hair, fingers rubbing his scalp and it had felt so much like what  _ he  _ used to do, the words clawed their way out. 

_ Mr. Stark woke up.  _ Peter hated how the truth grated at his tongue. MJ had just nodded, continuing to pet his hair, passing him the blunt. Peter had taken a big hit, letting his eyes burn with it.  _ Are you going to go see him?  _

_ Maybe _ , Peter had said, pressing the smoke into her mouth with a sharp kiss. They didn’t talk much after that. 

Peter didn’t go see him. It didn’t stop Pepper (and on some more notable instances, Morgan) from calling, but he made excuses, citing upcoming exams he didn’t have, graduation parties which he hadn’t been invited to, even going as far as telling Pepper he was busy with a fake mission about an underground drug ring. Pepper stopped calling after a while, but showed up one afternoon, Morgan in tow, to his apartment,  _ She misses you, and we brought legos?  _

He poured Pepper a cup of tea, while him and Morgan worked on building the Taj Mahal, trying to forget the memories of Tony and India, the private tour they’d taken, how Tony had pressed into his palm the promise to leave him something as incredible as this, if the day ever came. Ensconced in the white domed walls, Peter hadn’t known a wonder of the world greater than Tony Stark. 

Pepper asked him about plans after graduation (MIT) and how May was doing (fine, Happy and her were celebrating an anniversary soon.) She gratefully didn’t bring Tony up, other than to say he was recovering smoothly. Morgan and him had worked in comfortable silence, while Pepper answered some emails on her phone until it was dinnertime. 

_ Morgan, honey we have to go.  _ Pepper had given Peter a small smile,  _ You’re more than welcome.  _ Peter had shaken his head,  _ I’ve got plans, MJ’s bringing me pizza later.  _

_ MJ? _ Morgan had asked, confused.  _ Her name’s Michelle, but I call her MJ.  _

_ Oooooh Is she your girlfriend?  _ Morgan teased, a twinkle in her eye that reminded Peter so much of Tony it stung.  _ Is that why you don’t come to dinner anymore?  _

_ Yes.  _ Peter lied, without meaning to,  _ I’ve been a little busy with my girlfriend.  _ He tried to make his face seem a little less stiff,  _ You can tell Tony I’m sorry to have missed him.  _ The words left a metallic taste in his mouth. 

When Pepper finally pulled Morgan out of the front door, Peter had locked the door, sinking to his knees with a sob. He hated how much he hoped the lie found its way back to Tony, wanted to know if Tony still hurt for him the way Peter had hurt been hurting for him all this time.

+

Peter went to prom with MJ, because she’d asked him and he couldn’t find a good reason to say no at the time. He refused the suit that Pepper wanted to buy him, especially when she accidentally let slip out that Tony had helped with the purchase, and went suit shopping with Ned instead. It didn’t matter what he wore anyway, MJ all but tore it off him in the bathroom when he got there. The dance was fun, considering everything, Ned and him even got into a dance-off that had been plastered across Snapchat. Flash was a dick, but the after-party hadn’t been half bad and when MJ had asked to stay over that night, Peter didn’t say no. 

He told MJ he was Spider-man because it felt right, but mostly because she found his suit on graduation morning while Peter was showering.  _ I can explain,  _ he’d said, towel almost dropping when he walked out of the shower to see her sitting there, running her fingers over the fabric Tony painstakingly built.  _ You ever tied someone up with the webs before?  _ Is what she had said in response, and Peter did drop the towel then. It was the kind of funny story they’d tell at the wedding if Peter really deserved her like that (if he hadn’t been thinking about how he’d tied up Tony with the webs the second time they’d ever had sex) and if she wasn’t headed all the way to Stanford for college. 

They graduated. Pepper, Morgan, Happy and May had showed up, cheering in the bleachers as he walked across the stage. If anyone noticed Peter’s smile didn’t really reach his eyes, fixating on the one empty seat next to Pepper, they didn’t say anything. 

+

Peter avoided Tony for a full month before fate caught up to him. 

It was early Friday morning when Pepper had called, and Peter’d just gotten back from patrol, the sun barely sitting above the horizon. _I’m sorry to bother you but I didn’t have anyone else to call, _her voice had sounded frazzled, and he could hear Morgan’s sleepy snores in the background, _I’m taking Morgan to visit her grandparents this weekend in California, do you think you could watch Tony? I’m sorry for the short notice but the nurse cancelled last minute and Dr. Cho said it’s better if he’s not alone, not yet anyway and _— Peter surprised himself by cutting her off. _I’ll be there in thirty, seriously don’t worry about it. _

(He tried not to think twice about how he’d pressed Tony’s name into his shower tile not fifteen minutes after Pepper had called before swinging over to the Tower as promised.)

Pepper had texted Peter saying she and Morgan would already be at the airport by the time Peter would get there, and again she was endlessly grateful for the favor, and that they’d be back Monday afternoon. 

Three whole days in the Tower with Tony. There was a time when Peter would’ve begged for a weekend like this, but now as he took the elevator up to the penthouse, he felt only the anticipation and none of the thrill. 

Tony was waiting for him when the elevators opened. 

Peter didn’t mean to gasp, but his mouth fell open a little as Tony’s warm eyes met his own. He was leaning on a dark obsidian cane, and his hair was greyer than Peter remembered. In no way was Tony his best self, but Peter realized with a sharp pang in his chest that it wouldn’t ever matter as long as he was here, giving Peter the same easy grin as before. 

_ Hey Kid,  _ Tony said, taking an unsteady step forward.  _ Who let you get older?  _

Peter could smell Tony’s cologne, could hear the steady rhythm of his heart speed up when Peter leaned forward, returning the smile.  _ I could ask you the same thing, Old man.  _

When Tony kissed him, still smiling, Peter felt foolish thinking for even a second he could walk into a room with him and think of giving it up.  _ I’m so sorry, I was stupid _ , Peter had said in between kisses, voice wrecked even though it’d barely been minutes.  _ For what?  _ Tony had murmured, moving them to the couch. Peter’s body moved on instinct, settling onto Tony’s lap as if no time had passed, as if it hadn’t been years.  _ To think I could stop wanting you,  _ Peter kissed back, panting as Tony’s palms squeezed his ass.    
  


_ Ridiculous,  _ Tony had said, as Peter pulled his shirt over his head.  _ You’re absolutely ridiculous.  _

Afterwards, they’d laid there in the afterglow, Tony’s fingers carding through Peter’s hair as if no time had passed, as if there hadn’t been a marriage, a war, a whole universe of dust. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading!! kudos always appreciated, come cry w me in the comments bc this is really sad! yeesh!


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